Agony of Agonies

Scared and inadequate, I am broken and in despair. Have you heard my prayers lately, I sob in my spirit and cry with my soul. I want to make you sad with this poem, so get a tissue and cry with me, maybe you are where I am. My legs are numb from standing in worship and my hands are tired from being raised up. My inadequacy has married my fears and I have a child called sorrow. I have believed the father of lies, now I’m reaping discord in every relationship, following after me, tragedy. How dare you say, I am not a human being, can’t you see I am wallowing in self-pity, leave me be. I hated hate, but my will wasn’t strong enough and neither did I look at the cross for help, so rebellion has also come home to roost and now I’m a witch doctor. Absurd notion of pessimism in the air, drastic measures of self-control lacking. My dreams have no aspiration and everything I wanted to be has been washed down the river of life. I doubt him now more than ever before, and sinful unbelief has made a nest in my mind. I keep repeating my old mistakes and I am not learning anything new.

I am in agony and my body yearns for righteous redemption and to be free from sinful lust that wars against the Spirit. Like the world, we are in child bearing pain to wit redemption. So sore and bruised, my knees are constantly bleeding. Thorns and thistles and briers are pressed up against my living corps and I am hedged in all around. No room to breathe, my lungs are oxygen deprived and my stamina dead low. Hungry for spiritual nourishment, I am starving in humility, God rescue your servant. Drastic circumstances calling for drastic measures, I am nowhere near saved and my bed is in sheol. I shall make my abode with dead, because my doubt and unbelief have trapped me, and the truth has forsaken me. To wit salvation, grace and mercy are no longer in my vocabulary and it is set in stone, condemnation is my wife’s brother. I have married a fool and believed a lie. Now living in idolatry, I have made idols and trophies of my child whom I am forced to love. Are you in tears, are you sobbing and weeping with your lamenting soul? Is your chest drenched in snot and salty water like mine? Come here, self-pity adores friends and sadness needs company. I have lived in isolation and have fed my emotions, worry not, my humanity is the only thing in the balance. There is but a minuscule vapor left in my lungs and I don’t know how to hold on any longer. O’ wretched man that I am, who shall save me from this body of death? I do that which I hate and that which I love, I do not. I thank God only that he never gives up on me. Where my heart and flesh may fail, he steps in and is the wiser and definitely my strength. Amen.