I Groan

I groan, I groan. My soul is in despair. These voices accuse me and torment my mind. My thoughts are not my own. I feel ashamed, somehow my situation and afflictions aspire to shout slanderous words of blasphemy against the word of God. For I know that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind. In the depths of my bosom, I know neither seem to exist. My joy has disappeared and the strength of the Lord has been subdued from my very being. This is a fight, I pant with deep sighs of sorrow. I morbidly grieve and I desire only my judgment and to be free from the heavy burden of life. Yes, it is my salvation, yes it is the righteous judgment of God. I think and I ponder. I weigh and I weigh every thought, I am anxious in my mind. I want to ask God why, but so barely dare, because I fear to ask God why. I pray, let this cup not pass from me, I am but a vapor who is feeble minded and like grass, my promises fade away. I love the book of Genesis it showed me so much of your character and nature. You stole my heart with Genesis, but I know I gave it to you because you took me by awe and I did want to love you. I groan, I groan, I am in the eye of the storm. I can only see one step ahead of me, but you guide my foot as I plant it on this path. You are my Shepard, you are the way, the truth and the life.

So now I breathe, but I am alive because you live. I fight, but you have already won. I cry, but you showed me the very reason for tears. I AM AFRAID, this fear is charcoal black but I am comforted because night and day are the same to you. I yearn to be transformed and to put on in-corruption and for my mortality to be made immortality. I ask myself…when Lord? When will you come and when will we go? So now I wait…

My flesh cries out to you, I hear its groan because, me and my flesh do not like one another anymore. You lie not Lord, I hate myself because I met you. I know you are a poet too because you are my biggest inspiration and I love your words, they are sustenance and LIFE to my soul - though they cut my flesh and pierce my heart and move every emotion and alter my very being. I think about you and I want to lay my chest upon the seat of your emotions. I become so small, I forget my age and kneel within my spirit, I am humbled by your person. I describe you and now I think about your kingdom in my mind. Pure gold are the streets, no pain and no sin. Everlasting, we are going to be in your presence, let me dwell in your house Lord. I miss you, though my eyes have never seen you. Your light will be enough, we will need no sun. I don’t mind being the lowest in your eternal kingdom, there no man can get me and I cannot corrupt myself for I know Satan is not my biggest enemy. I love worshiping you, I groan when I don’t worship you. I need a sound mind so that my thoughts are established. I speak hope and cry for your divine healing.

Suffocating is not a good way to die. When I don’t pray, I know I am not breathing, but suffocating. When I disobey you, it is you who convicts me, I only desire to please you. I groan because I am afflicted. The pressure against me doesn’t seem to end. Sometimes I want to be dramatic as if in a drama and act as if you don’t exist, but I am delivered so I don’t run to the bar or light the slow cigarette of death, because that is dramatic. I wait and I think through it, patient and never forgetting, my groans as if they indicate and testify the truth I never knew. Now I am totally perplexed by the next step. So your servant David inspires and comforts me with every Psalm I read. As if he too sees the depths of my soul, I agree, only you could have anointed his words, because I read and see myself in his groaning and complaints. O wretched man that I am. Who shall save me from this body of death? I thank God for Jesus Christ my Lord, therefore, my groan waits for you my King. For sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope. Faith, hope and love. Love being above all, because I cannot live without you. Love, you are beautiful and I thank you for rescuing me.

You are the beginning and the ending. Time created by the one who knew I would exist for himself to be manifested when I would call upon him because of my groaning. I Groan, Love, I Groan. Love please Love me and turn my groaning to rejoicing.