I want to know your Thoughts

I feel like I am drowning, wait it’s too much. I know I am not supposed to, one drag too many drags. It’s too late and I hate the way it starts, I hate the way it hurts, the devil is a lie, but you keep showing me love, that unconditional love. It’s Idolatry, and it just keeps leaving me empty. God’s love is unquestionable, it’s all false humility. I know it’s me, I am trying without grace. Pride comes before the fall. Too many falls. I’ve got scabs to prove it. Many bruises and marks. I feel like I am drowning, where is my life is fading to, without his divine grace. I am in deep waters. Feels like the past is haunting me, like that day on New Year’s 2011, the day I almost drowned and my whole life flashed before me. But now I need to overcome in Christ. This feels all too familiar, I am too familiar. I know my crevices and weakness. I know how my mouth forms when I am about to lie, laying awake with tears in my eyes –see my pillow is soaked. I am drowning, choking on my own saliva

I feel so empty and so broken I can hardly feel my own heartbeat. The world has used me and I have used it and its inhabitants. I don’t understand what I am supposed to do but live and that is just evil spelled backwards. For the first time I feel more alone than I have ever felt. But it’s my own fault. I thought I was the wiser and the stronger. Now it’s me against the world and I can’t laugh at the lonely stranger smoking that slow cigarette of death, God please rescue me. It’s a New Year and I had New Year resolutions. I failed so badly it’s not even funny. I tried to give it all up. I tried following my friends. But they seem to be fairing much better than what I am fairing. I looked deep inside me and realized the judgmental eyes I look at everyone with are the same chains tied around my waist and are dragging me deeper down the river of life and all my limbs are cramped and sore from fighting the current. I have learned that the emotion I feel is not my friend. The bible tel