I feel like I am drowning

I feel like I am drowning, wait it’s too much. I know I am not supposed to, one drag too many drags. It’s too late and I hate the way it starts, I hate the way it hurts, the devil is a lie, but you keep showing me love, that unconditional love. It’s Idolatry, and it just keeps leaving me empty. God’s love is unquestionable, it’s all false humility. I know it’s me, I am trying without grace. Pride comes before the fall. Too many falls. I’ve got scabs to prove it. Many bruises and marks. I feel like I am drowning, where is my life is fading to, without his divine grace. I am in deep waters. Feels like the past is haunting me, like that day on New Year’s 2011, the day I almost drowned and my whole life flashed before me. But now I need to overcome in Christ. This feels all too familiar, I am too familiar. I know my crevices and weakness. I know how my mouth forms when I am about to lie, laying awake with tears in my eyes –see my pillow is soaked. I am drowning, choking on my own saliva. Wiping the snot from my nose, where’s the comforter? All too familiar, that’s the problem. I am trying to swim without a life jacket. That’s why I am drowning. I’ve got cramps in all my limbs. It’s tough, it’s not easy. Dealing with self-condemnation. They say guilt will kill you. It’s psychological, it’s your good that led me to repentance. You got me to love church, when did church become so superficial? It’s why I am drowning. Thinking I exist because of church. Church exists because you died, you died because you wanted me to live. I don’t live because the church lives. You loved me first that’s why I love you. I love you. Pride of life, lust in my eyes. I am fighting a legion of my own emotions. I know the problem is not the devil, but the man in the mirror. But the mirror testifies, I was created and He that created me did all he could and completed the rescue mission.

This is all to familiar once again, I am trying what’s best for me. I thought serving God was going to be easy. No shoulda woulda, it takes discipline to serve God without it-sin. Romans 7, O’ wretched man that I am. When I do I get to thanking God, hoping when I am right with God that that’s exactly when the rapture happens. It’s not easy to praise God when your life is a living hell, isn’t it? I know how difficult it is, when half of what you think doesn’t make sense. You get encouragement from your friends and it seems like you’re hearing them from under water. All your thinking is, ‘no one understands’, and you’re the only one with problems.

Snap out of it. It’s not a dream. There are people who believe. People who are real and they invested in you. Life is only a way to get to the other side. The other side, where there is no pain and the streets are lined with gold. Where we will bask in his radiance which is brighter than the sun’s awesome brilliance. Then I will be joyful, then I will be without my misery and pain. But for now, I must fight and swim with all my might in the river of all life. Though my pain is in the evening, my joy will come in the morning.