I feel so empty and so broken

I feel so empty and so broken I can hardly feel my own heartbeat. The world has used me and I have used it and its inhabitants. I don’t understand what I am supposed to do but live and that is just evil spelled backwards. For the first time I feel more alone than I have ever felt. But it’s my own fault. I thought I was the wiser and the stronger. Now it’s me against the world and I can’t laugh at the lonely stranger smoking that slow cigarette of death, God please rescue me.

It’s a New Year and I had New Year resolutions. I failed so badly it’s not even funny. I tried to give it all up. I tried following my friends. But they seem to be fairing much better than what I am fairing. I looked deep inside me and realized the judgmental eyes I look at everyone with are the same chains tied around my waist and are dragging me deeper down the river of life and all my limbs are cramped and sore from fighting the current. I have learned that the emotion I feel is not my friend. The bible tells us that our hearts are desperately wicked and yet I find it hard to ingest and digest these wise words. It’s like I am dancing with the devil and he’s the fire while I am the match. Sometime I feel it would’ve been better if I wasn’t born. But God made me knowing I would think like this. He knew I would be stranded by my own thoughts. Held captive by my pride and boyishly good looks that fade as fast as the water from a savanna on a hot day in the Serengeti. Damn, I am so lost. I am afraid of going to church and doing the right things because I am ashamed of my hometown seeing me turn over a new leaf. Is being alone so desperately sore that it hurts your inner most being and being bed ridden is better? I don’t know, I am just a poor writer whose words are encroaching the four walls of my mind and I can’t fight them any longer. So I whisper through the spaces of my teeth and utter “it will get better”. Being broke and directionless in the 21^st Century doesn’t make the walk to freedom any better. Having all the money in the world always makes it seem like the grass is greener on the other side. But somehow I am not convinced being a millionaire will bring me happiness, although, I beg to differ that I would not in its season put a smile on my face. Hold on, I am pondering my own paradox. I meant money and all the riches or acquiring them is not all life’s worth. Are we driven by papers in all we do? We read and write to prove things so as to get titles that drive us deeper into our graves and for what reason? Sometimes taking a step back and looking at life through the minuscule lens of simplicity and not contemporary mediocre society might save your life.

Every brand new day as I feel the air under my wings, I admire tenacity in my genes. Somehow I can still appreciate life, just like when you breathe in and can feel your lungs expand with air and you continue to live. You continue to breathe because your mind and subconscious haven’t stopped fighting for the dream. Is there any other word to describe it, Heaven. It is a powerful word full of bliss and painless living. Forever is just the perfect word because it doesn’t surrender to time and infinity.